The One Eyed Purple People Eater reflects on the Rolling Ramble

All photos by Kevin Dingman

I love people. They are delicious.

Wednesday night started out pretty much an average night. I was dragging down Park Avenue. It was about 7:00 PM and good golly there was a whole covey of cyclists. There must of been 20 or more. I mosied up a little closer to see just exactly what they were up to. Blind Pilot? Now that sounds dangerous. That is exactly one of the reasons I run. There are simply too many machines in the world today. Noah Earle, very interesting mis-spelling. E-A-R-L-E. Everyone knows you spell it I-R-L.

That Skeleton, the Master of Mayhem, lived up to his reputation tonight. Across town some of the normal cyclists had corralled all of the cyle haters at an information forum. Meanwhile, all the freaks were taking complete controll of the downtown streets. EYE LOVED IT!!

If humans were really concerned about harassment, I was the victim of harassment. So many young men are turned on to that pink dress I scored off of one of my recent diners. I know. I was intrigued by it, too. I can't blame them for all of the wolf whistles and flattering comments. Quite frankly, I was a little turned on by me myself.

I'm going to have to try one of the little tubbie creatures sometime. They really look like they would be an excelent meal. Perhaps with a white wine. It's just a little too late for the Master of Mayham . I think maybe he used to be just skin and bones. Now, just bones.

First Person insanity!

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XCX 2008 - Through the Eye of the Purple People Eater

I love humans. They're delicious.

This looks like a very clever plan. I can get them to run down this hill and into that coral. Once I have them bottled up I can sort out them by texture.

I don't understand why there are so many in one place on such a cold and snowy day. Wait a minute. What are those colorful creatures invading my woods. That blue creature escorted by a large yellow bird and a funny looking human.

Quiet!! Stop shooting off all of those fireworks!! You'll scare away all of the humans!! Dog gone it who are those guys with the chain saws? Now wait a minute. Maybe I can get them to help me load some of the humans the back of my car. Yeah that seems to be working. The bright colored creatures seem to drawing the humans into the woods. they seem to be attracted to noise. Now if I can just keep them running this way... Fantastic! They are running straight into the coral maze. Woops. There are a lot of them getting through the chainsaws and running on into the woods. They will surely not make it out of here. What the cold and undergrowth doesn't get, the mud and the water will.

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The Mayor's Cup 2008 - The Champion Team reflects


We figured out that our next stop was at the corner of 9th and Cherry, and the clue we received was “Answer a Question and Ask a Question”—right away we spotted a man and woman with a microphone and camera set up outside Kaldi’s, and so we knew we were in the right place… we walked up and when they asked “Can we ask you a few questions?” we were ready! To our surprise, they began to ask us all about global warming, the carbon cycle, and greenhouse gases. This event is really extreme! we thought, but we were good sports and put our knowledge to the test. As the “interview” ended, we said, “Now do we get to ask you a question?” They looked at each other hesitantly, but said “Sure.” “What’s our next clue????” we shouted. They looked at each other again, even more puzzled. “What do you mean?” they asked us. Apparently, they were just there to film a segment for the local public TV station, and knew nothing about the Mayor’s Cup. I can’t imagine what they thought when two women in bicycle gear, costumes, and race numbers showed up enthusiastically wanting to be interviewed!!!! - Debi & Ella

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The Mayor's Cup 2008 - French Fry & Milk Shake Speak Up


I'll admit jumping on a bike early in the morning in a french fry costume is not how I usually spend my Saturdays, but after the Mayor's Cup race, who knows, it could happen again! My french fried self, as well as my milkshake partner Greg had no idea what to expect, but to say we were pleasantly surprised would be an understatement- what other race can you go on where you actually stop and eat ice cream or cookies, let alone wear costumes?

The race consisted of stops full of clues and treats. But also pictures. We weren't sure how pictures factored in to the point gathering (the most points wins) so we snapped photos every chance we got- bridal parties, swing sets, water balloon tossing and one broken window.

Take it from me, a first-timer, if you like to have fun, or if you are looking for something new to do, I definitely recommend the Mayor's Cup! And dress up in costume, there's nothing better than seeing the confused faces of people on the street! - Monica

LOL WTF!

Now that the LOL Run is over, we can finally all laugh out loud about it. It was definitely an event to remember. A little over a year ago Off Track Events launched the 2007 Inaugural year with the LOL Marathon. In support of the Columbia smoking ban the event debuted on a mid-January Wednesday at noon. Entry fee was $1. A dozen hearty souls showed up to run the 26.2 mile event. It was amazing.

Jim Linville and I decided to work together as race directors in 2008 and hoped to bring the LOL Run to a much larger audience. Our additions to this year was to add multiple distances for athletes of all abilities, move the event to the end of April, omit traditional road race rules and of course add a costume competition. Our goal was to create the ultimate fun non-competitive road race for Mid-Missouri.

The weather on the day of the event was perfect. The sky was clear and the temperature was on the brink of warm/cool. Ideal conditions! Around 70 participants showed up for the LOL Run. Before the event began we announced the winners. Glory was rewarded to those who came most creative. Top costume prizes were awarded. Everyone who came in costume was given a prize! After a few words of encouragement and direction from Spiderman and the dude in the pink dress the participants were on their way down the MKT, maps in hands looking for the directional arrows to lead them in the right direction.

The course was ambitious, hilly and never straight. Jim and I were the most challenged by the complexity of the ever twisting maze of directional arrows. We were up all night before the event placing 50 directional signs throughout Columbia. Some signs shared multiple directional arrows pointing in all directions. Organized chaos indeed. With only a handful of volunteers throughout the course, I hoped that each and every directional sign would remain standing come the moment the runners started passing by. Please nobody mess with the LOL signs!

Highlights from the course(s) include: 5 Columbia parks explored, dozens of insane hills (some of you may never forgive), awesome volunteers at aid stations, the Chicken and Gorilla along with their new friend Pumpkin G and a few amazing families along the course that set up stations in their front yards and encouraged runners as they ran past. Some of you may have had a chance to see the Unicycle rider tackle the 10k course with a child in a wagon and a dog running along side. Wow.

My alter ego for the day was Spiderman and I was the traveling aid station. Since I personally can't fire webbing from my wrists I covered the course in my (un)trusty '84 Honda Passport Scooter. A milk crate full of water, gels, and emergency gear. The weight of a gallon of water was more than the bike could handle and I found myself immediately stalled on the bottom of Rollins hill. After a half dozen unsuccessful kicks on the throttle I was finally back on the course, passing out gels and hydration to those in need! One of the highlights of the day for me was seeing the kids yell and wave for Spiderman as he zipped by on the little red scooter. I had the sensation of being an actual superhero and not just a weirdo riding around town in Spiderman pajamas.


Jim remained at the start/finish area welcoming the participants back. The finishing times ranged from under a half hour to under five and a half hours. Amazingly enough every sign throughout the course remained standing and every participant somehow was able to find their way back to the finish. To my dismay I did receive reports of many of the 10k runners who in the last 10th of a mile were misdirected down the trail and ended up running up to 4 extra miles before they realized that they were out for round 2! Upon investigating the situation, I noticed the final sign ("this way to finish") was cockeyed and pointing in a very wrong direction. My mind immediately coughed up a sleep deprived memory of placing these final signs about 4 in the morning. I remember sending Jim staggering out on the trail eyes rolled back in his head on the brink of falling asleep standing up. Minor technical error! So, the 10k had a bonus extended loop at the end... so the half marathon turned out to be over 14 miles... so the course ended up being on of the hilliest and challenging ones around. "Sure... but did you have fun?!"

We sure did. From working with awesome sponsors such as Tryathletics, to doing a road trip to Kansas City to promote the event (did anybody from K.C. even have the nerve to show?), completing the Chicken vs. Gorilla road race series, to a non-stop all nighter setup, it was always a great time. We are still laughing about it.


CHICKEN VS. GORILLA - AIR GUITAR COMPETITION

"Good afternnon ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We're preparing to take off shortly, but first could you please turn your attention to the gorilla at the front of the cabin for a few instructions.

Today's flight is non-smoking, featuring non-stop service to the halls of Valhalla. The on-board entertainment this afternoon is the Chicken vs. Gorilla Air Guitar Championship, Live!

Today's competition features many feats of insane airness, and anyone with metaphysical sensitivities is advised to avert their 3rd eye, or else view the competition through a pinhole camera. If you're an expecting mother, please keep as close to the performers as possible, as the supernatural vibration eminating from their air instruments are said to improve prenatal cognitive development.

In case one of the performers accidentally catches an air guitar on fire from friction, please panic, as we've lost our only air-fire extinguisher and invisible fire is extremely difficult to contain. In case of actual fire, please calmly proceed to the nearest exit. Thank you for flying Air Guitar."

- Chris Williams aka Air Guitar Gorilla God



Awesome, awesome performances at the Chicken vs Gorilla showdown! You had to be there to believe it! Every performer got a prize with the top rockers leaving with the booty. Killer performances from: Your Mom, Pumpkin G, Lori Brown - aka Carol of destruction of chaos, Glube-lube, Burn, Aunt Bitch'n, Uncle Rico, Runs in the Family, Dynamic Duo, Think'n bout it, Peter Parker, Albino Bear and many more. Keep rock'n!

Chicken vs Gorilla Road Race Madness

You may have seen the Chicken and Gorilla battle it out in different road races this month. The head to head battle started April 1st with the ASS run. After the smoking fast CIGS 4 miler the duo put in some serious miles in the Kansas City blockbuster run "Brew to Brew". Displaying skills of speed and rockability were the goals of the Jay Dix Run. Kirksville's Glow Stick it to Cancer was the last stop in the tour. Look for the pair at Saturday's LOL Run and battle for their respect at Mojo's in the "Chicken vs Gorilla - Air Guitar Competition"!

The Polar Bear Plunge 2008!

The XCX Xperience -2007

"I am Captain Crazy Fun. I see a whole army of adventure seekers here in defiance of boredom! You have come for the xtreme, and the xtreme you shall get! I commend you for your courage in joining me in this adventure. Run fun...run safe... RUN FREE!"

250 crazed runners screamed and sprinted as gravity pulled them down the hill from the starting line of the XCX cross country extreme. Hurdling tents and dashing through a sandpit, they began their four + mile running adventure behind the Midway Expo Center in Columbia, MO. Video camera in hand, I was prepared to capture the experience on the course and the wonder of the spectators around me. Doubling in size from the year before, the event had become a visual feast of the bizarre. There were more costumed participants than I could count.

Photo by Sait Serkan Gurbuz

A wrestling match between a oversized Chicken and a foul mouthed gorilla was the first sign of the insanity about to come. Less than a half mile into the course, I was funneled into junk yard cage maze of lumber where I and the large group of runners around me were surrounded by walls of plywood and forced to climb over or under large wooden spools. The congested traffic made us easy prey for the hidden attackers that coated our ankles with silly string through holes in the plywood.

After escaping the junk yard, I arrived at row of a dozen horse jump hurdles. It definitely wasn't the height but the quantity that hurt the most. As I hurdled my way across, I could hear the loud crash of the runner behind me misjudging the height of the barrier and knocking the obstacle to the ground as he fell. "He is a goner, save yourself," I thought, knowing that if I glanced back for even a second the next hurdle would clip me to the ground. I could see from the corner of my eye billows of smoke and the sounds of explosions and screaming. The next obstacle was waiting.

Photo by Alex Grisgby

The military crawl was another debut at this year's event. Twine was weaved knee high over a 100 foot rectangular stretch of grass. Wooden blocks created an unpredictable maze to the finish. Nine Inch Nails music was playing, and military clad volunteers were screaming at runners as firecrackers exploded and smoke bombs clouded visibility. It was survival mode, and it was wildly entertaining!

Photo by Truth Leem

After outlasting the military crawl, I was able to escape to the dark forest. Almost immediately, I was attacked by chainsaw wielding zombies and forced to climb ropes up muddy banks, jump into mud pits, and race through creek beds. A bonus loop on this year's course was the pirate pond where decapitated heads hung from trees and One Eyed Willy looked on from his ship-wrecked inflatable kayak.

Photo by Truth Leem

Back in October, participants in the Mayor's Cup were instructed to bring an ugly doll for unspecified reasons. They later learned in the rainstorm of the day that their doll must be sacrificed to the one eyed troll that lived in the tunnel under Taco Bell. Around 40 dolls were sacrificed that October day. Now, here at the XCX the dolls were back. Hung from the trees in a deep creek bed runners were surrounded by them! Suddenly a fart detector alarm came to life screaming, "Fart Detected! Fart Detected!" in a warning cry to the one eyed monster that waited ahead. Crawling through roots and the curtain of dolls, participants found themselves face to face with the One Eyed Purple People Eater! Singing and dancing to the tune of a decapitated cheerleader doll, he happily greeted us. The only way to escape was to climb the mud wall of the creek bed to higher ground.

Photos by Truth Leem

The opening at the end of the dark forest revealed the long and painful "Saw Dust Hill." A long line of runners could be seen running/jogging/walking/crawling their way to the top. If the hill wasn't hard enough, there were photographers and zombies waiting at the top, as well as a long line of hay bales that needed to be climbed and jumped. At that point, runners were instructed to "DO ANOTHER LAP THROUGH THE WOODS!"

Photo by Truth Leem

After four miles of so of this insanity, we were directed to the finish line. A bonfire, music, coffee from Kaldi's and bagels from B&B awaited. There was no prize for first place finisher in the race. Instead, finishers were awarded trophies for different age groups. These trophies were seven-pound cast-iron window weights, painted black and stenciled with the XCX initials. One of a kind indeed.

Special emphasis was placed on the costume contest with sponsor prizes given to the top ten. The first place costume won a pair of Spokiz glasses and a legacy of glory. This year's champion was Mike Tripp whose Zombie make up was frighteningly realistic. Close behind was Sam Dutrow with the amazing Zebra body paint and the ever-rocking band KISS!

Photo by Alex Grisgby

Soon the party ended and participants began their voyage home. Muddy, wet and somewhat traumatized, they had traveled to this event for a common purpose: to have fun. Judging from people's expressions on the course, it was a grand adventure. I can only imagine the scene a year from now!

View the Missourian video by Alex Sutherland

The Eve of the XCX

XCX Cross Country Xtreme
November 17, 2007
9 am - Midway Sandbar

The XCX is one rough, tough and outrageous cross country race. Unlike typical road races that take runners along city streets and trails, the XCX follows the true cross country spirit of taking runners through fields, up and down hills, and through forest trails. However, the XCX takes cross country running to a new level by incorporating obstacle courses, creek crossings, rope climbs and other challenges with the ultimate goal of creating the most extreme and fun cross country race in Missouri.

Now in its 4th event, the XCX has become a successful fundraiser for Columbia Second Chance. Course highlights at the 2006 XCX included running through the woods, crawling through wet creek beds, climbing steep, muddy hills, and jumping a row of hay bales. Competitive high school and college cross country runners raced the course with amazing speed, while runners and joggers of all ages and abilities shared the experience. Many participants even raced in costume. The Incredibles battled the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, as Sponge Bob Squarepants and the One Eyed Purple People Eater ran on. After completing the 4 mile course, participants were treated to a bonfire. At the awards' ceremony, speed and creativity were rewarded. Awards were given for fastest in each age group, and top ten prizes were given to the participants with the best costumes. With 130 participants, last year's XCX was a great success.

Here we are one year later. Months of preparation have gone into making this year's event an even bigger success. The stakes have been raised. The course will feature obstacles, props, mud holes, music, and to top it off, a haunted forest. Hopefully, with time the number of participants will skyrocket, propelling the XCX into cult status as the most ridiculous and difficult cross country race (mile per mile) in the Midwest. Those who complete the course will have bragging rights until the next XCX event. Those who win the costume contest will have cult status for life. This event is going beyond crazy fun. It will be in a league of its own. I am challenging runners and hearty walkers alike to participate in this fun event. Spectators are encouraged to come observe!

For all the details visit: www.xcxtreme.com

See you on the course!

Mike Denehy
XCX Race Director